Offbeat – 18 April 14

As I sit and think about it, aside from a bunch of Aztecs who no longer exist and had a very faulty calendar, most of the end-of-the-world prophecies come from the USA, where they believe in that sort of stuff, as well as the Devil’s testicles being made out of chocolate.

According to a Facebook picture post I found a couple of days ago, Easter eggs symbolise ‘Satan’s testicles’. Apparently some people fall for this stuff and some kids are going to have a very unhappy Easter. For the rest of you, ‘happy Easter folks’, but if you value your soul, stay away from chocolate. Evidently the epitome of evil is delicious dopamine-fueled weight gain wrapped in shiny paper.
You might also want to stay away from beer as well. I’ll leave that one to your imagination though.
Here’s something else. According to authorities, the earthquake that was supposed to wipe out huge chunks of Namibia didn’t happen either, so happy Easter again. Maybe I didn’t notice it, or the prophetess and her followers prayed it away. Either way, I’m still standing, and on reflection, I have to be happy for that.

I’m not sure why the prophetess and her prophecy annoy me so, so I will use this column to explore that feeling. I will ignore Satan’s testicles, and go with as much evil chocolate as I can this weekend. I can already feel the wicked urge building up. Can you feel it as well?
Being a happy horror reader, I have a personal affinity with apocalyptic scenarios. Horror needs a belief system to function properly. As I am familiar with Christianity, the Hand of God is one of the comfy places. Whether it’s just a moment of irritation, as in the story of Noah, or an outbreak of demons, which are also a part of Christian thinking, I can go with it. The problem can’t be that the earthquake prophecy derives from Christian sources.
What if the earthquake had happened? I have enough tins and dry stuff to survive a while, and I could probably fill the bath with drinking water and go down to loot  firewood from the ruins of the service station. If the prophecy did happen I would have been fine with it.  On the other hand, I am glad I have electricity for the fridge and enough power to write this on the computer, not by hand, in which case we could all just forget it.
The world should end quite regularly anyway, according to prophecies, but I have become used to the no-shows on the part of the four horsemen. My irritation can’t be due to the fact that the prophecy didn’t happen either.
As I sit and think about it, aside from a bunch of Aztecs who no longer exist and had a very faulty calendar, most of the end-of-the-world prophecies come from the USA, where they believe in that sort of stuff, as well as the Devil’s testicles being made out of chocolate. Those prophecies are good enough for me, so I don’t need another source.
It could be easy to argue that this is a homegrown apocalypse, especially for Namibia. On the other hand, remember that the standard US prophecy involves the end of the whole world, which includes Namibia. Why end just Namibia, when the whole world can end? That particular duplication excludes a lot of people who should in all fairness, and the Christian spirit, be able to share in God’s wrath. There’s my first serious problem.
The lack of critical thinking does not bother me at all. If you want to believe in the end of the world, with wide eyes and slack jaws, that is perfectly fine. What does bother me is that I have to know about it.
If you are going to make a prophecy, please keep it out of my face. That means, keep it to your followers and don’t put it anywhere near Facebook or in mainstream media. Let it come as a surprise. If, by some statistical improbability it really does happen, then tell me you predicted it afterward, but shout it from a distance so that you have a decent head start.  Prophecies are a dime a dozen, but something gets lost in the repetition of the things, the same way the repetition of zombie scenarios is becoming dull. Here’s a prophecy.
The Easter weekend will come and go with or without an earthquake that destroys Namibia and with or without the devil’s testicles. Enjoy that thought and drive safely to avoid your own personal apocalypse.