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On unrequited love – What I should have said

If you are anything like me, (which I’m sure you are not) than you’ve been in a couple a dozen one-sided love affairs (you haven’t) and you’ve received advice on the subject. It doesn’t matter whether he’s considered a jerk or God’s gift to women. Your friends (my girl friends) will give you what is supposed to be food for thought but they are really telling me what to do. Let’s breifly analyse these nuggets of wisdom. This is what I feel I should have said to my friends over the years when they said:
1.You need to move on, get over it.
For all the well-wishers who realise my unhealthy obsession with Mr. Unattainable, it is damaging to my mental health and grades to tell me to get over him. Thank you for that piece of knowledge, I just have one question: HOW?
He’s way out of my league and simply the best thing since sliced bread. I’m not that delusional, of course, I know he doesn’t know I exist! I’m not a glutton for punishment, I’ve been trying! I just do not know how!
A few suggestions as to how may do just that! Tell me, how do I fall out of love with him?
2. He’s not worthy of you
I love that you think so highly of me and I appreciate that you only want what’s best for me but honestly you saying, he is not good enough for me, is kind of insulting. Here’s what I’m hearing:
“You have no taste, your need to raise your standards and expectations of what you want in a guy, seriously. Why do you even like that loser?”
Thank you friend, I feel so much better about my self now. Really it’s great that you’ve shown me the class of people I should have unrequited feelings for, I’m so grateful. You know everything there is to know about him. He’s as one dimensional as you make him out to be.

You are forgetting that I like him, I really do. And here’s what sucks, he doesn’t like me.
3. Get to know him.
How do I do that? He doesn’t even know I am alive, we are not even friends on Facebook. Plus, stalking his social media accounts lets me know all I need to know. One tiny question: how does my getting more information about him get me out of this unrequited situation? Unless you are hoping I find some serious personalty defect that is so repulsive I’ll be cured of this ailment.
Have you met me? I’m a train wreck when it comes to being subtle, so befriending him is firstly, a scary thought and secondly, probably not going to work out. I’ll just stick to the version of him I’ve created in my head, yeah…
4. You should only like people who like you.
A little too late for that isn’t it? When I’m done swooning over this guy, I’ll keep on doing just that. I’ll be forever alone because no nobody will ever love me. I’ll just head to the SPCA now, I need 99 cats and a dog.
5. You need to accept that he’s just not into you.
I know he’s not into me. Hence the word “unrequited” What do you want from me? I can’t give up my fantasies about marrying him and living in the burbs with 2.5 kids and a dog named Lucky. Please don’t take that away from me too, it is the only thing about him I have.
6. Show him you like him
Riiight, because I’m such an expert on flirting and attracting guys. Forget the fact that I’ve been pining for him for months, do you not think I’ve tried?
Remember that one time at church I went up to him and all I could say was hello. I just stood there. Yeah, why would I put myself through that again?

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