Offbeat – 20 December 2012
He’s a furtive figure at best, who hangs around on roofs and slithers down chimneys, rather like Eugene Tooms in the ‘X-Files’. Do the words, ‘dangerous’, ‘mutant’ and ‘freak’, ring a bell? Decent people should show up with a friendly knock at the front door.
I was going to write something heartwarming about Christmas, but by the time you read this, you might be dead or about to die, due to the Mayan version of the Y2K bug. I’m not sure how it works, but if it is that quick, it will probably be a huge asteroid. If you see a bright light hurtling across the sky, it is probably not Rudolf. Duck if it makes you feel better.
Happy Christmas, anyway, and remember to get your Christmas shopping done by Thursday evening. Buying on credit card is probably a reasonable way to set about things. Just don’t overdo it in case the whole thing proves to be a dud. We’ll get to the New Year thing next year, if there is one.
Personally, I don’t think the apocalypse thing is coming quickly. I think it’s more like a teenager accompanying his mom on a clothes shopping trip with a younger sister who is in her Barbie phase. If the apocalypse is out there, it is reluctantly hanging around on the edges of the girls section, the area with all the pink. You will be able to spot it trying to look nonchalant and cool amongst the clouds of pink while wearing torn jeans and a black leather jacket, with a chain strung from the breast of the jacket to its nose. It looks down and mumbles something whenever a shop assistant walks past.
It might also be dragging its feet past the music store in the hopes that it can hang out there while the dreadful, interminable ritual of buying shoes with a child takes place.
Whichever way you look at it, the apocalypse hasn’t been eager to show up in the past, and I’m sure, being a lazy teenage boy, it will find a way to weasel out of this chore as well.
Let’s get back to Christmas, and Santa who will show up. Much beloved by children, he is unfortunately a Barney-like figure, beneath which lurks a rapacious velociraptor, intent on wanton mayhem.
Let’s start with the company he keeps, by which he can be measured. Have any of you heard of the Krampus? The Krampus is a fearful thing which takes away young children who are naughty. Children may show a lack of maturity in certain behaviour, but ‘disappearing’ them in a sack is just not on. Even in the USA, where naughty children are charged and jailed, their parents know where to find them.
Santa himself is not above bloodshed as many Christmas movies show. He’s a furtive figure at best, who hangs around on roofs and slithers down chimneys, rather like Eugene Tooms in the ‘X-Files’. Do the words, ‘dangerous’, ‘mutant’ and ‘freak’, ring a bell? Decent people should show up with a friendly knock at the front door.
There is also the obvious matter of his alcoholism. I’m not keen on people who drink that much sherry, beer or wine in one evening. He obviously also has a problem with sugar highs judging by the number of cookies he gets through.
The division of kids into good and bad is questionable. I personally don’t believe that kids should be labeled as so bad, because of their behaviour over the course of a whole year, that they don’t get Christmas presents. Kids need to make mistakes to learn.
Aside from the whole business of being dragged off by a mythological serial killer, the other punishment, a stocking full of coal is something ugly as well, aside from the whole business of consoling the kid when the stocking is opened, and the incredible amount of cleaning of walls and floors and washing of bedding after said stocking is opened.
Wow! That sentence was a whole paragraph long.
Let’s get back to the coal. Coal is the source of a good part of the world’s ills, and giving it away is completely irresponsible and contemptuous of all the good, if somewhat futile, efforts to mitigate against climate change. Santa must be one of those unthinking Republicans, possibly one of the members of George W’s science team.
All is not lost though. This year I will be playing Santa to my daughter, responsibly might I add. Now we just have to hope that our teenage apocalypse gets to hang out in the music store while his sister gets her new pair of shoes.